You want me to WHAT?!!!
This was the very first lesson in Relief Society the Sunday following being served Divorce Papers. I could barely listen. I knew that what was being taught was important, but seriously?!!! I couldn’t get my negative emotions out of my head. I was homeless, a soon to be single mother of two children by two different dads, no career, no job, living at home with my parents and not yet 30…. and I’m supposed to enjoy the journey?!
I had become “one of those” people and here I am trying to process the “It’s not about the destination it’s about the journey” quotes. Am I supposed to somehow find the “joy” in all of this?! Where on earth am I supposed to find joy in divorce? It’s a horrible and miserable experience that I would never wish upon my worst enemy! But hey now, let’s not feed ourselves negative thoughts right? So here I go again, listening, trying to understand, trying to be positive but thoroughly perplexed the entire hour.
It wasn’t until the end of the hour when we are all leaving the room that a cheery little green-eyed smile met me in the hallway!
“Mommy! Look what I colored in Primary!!!!”
She was holding up a scribbled coloring of a family and beaming from ear to ear. She points out all of her family members, including the members she no longer sees, her dad, her brother, her step-dad, her grandparents, her mommy, her sister…
Then she just summarizes: “All my family loves me!”
What amazing lessons little 3-year-olds can teach us. I am so loved. I have a loving family who took me in and provided safety and shelter while I recover through the divorce. I have my two absolutely sweet and adorable little girls. I have my entire church family too. I am always given a loving embrace by numerous people every Sunday. Even the church I had to leave behind because my husband still goes there has sweet friends who always check up on me and offer to help and still let me know I am loved.
I can focus on my depression of those who say I’m not good enough to be in their lives, or I can work on building and strengthening relationships in my powerful network of wonderful and loving “family” that let me know I am cherished, I am worth it.
My paradigm shift further developed after the exchange of the baby.
Exchanges are always tense, especially when things are fresh. But this time as I sat on the giving the bedtime bottle to my chubby cheeked angel I was overcome with such joy only a parent and especially a mother can feel. This moment right here is the journey. Watching my chunky girl sleep blissfully in my arms cherishing my opportunity to hold her and tuck her in at night is what the Sunday school lesson was all about. If I had wallowed in my depression and self-pity so much that I let it consume my thoughts I would have missed capturing this picture-perfect memory.
With a new perspective, loving family and my two sweet girls, I CAN enjoy the Journey.